My spectrum of thoughts

Posts tagged ‘Conflicts with myself’

Drastic measures

Prologue to this post…

Just when life seemed to derail, Vicky took over. It’s very unusual for him to do that. He has never been a leader. Vivek has been the leader always, maybe Vivek wanted Vicky to take over and lead. Because all his attempts to stop Todi’s disruption have been futile, he is now left with very few moves before its game over. And this is where he uses Vicky as a trump. And why shouldn’t he? Vicky’s motivation for stability remains unquestionable. He has taken charge of everything at the moment and it seems that he’ll stay there for quite sometime.

Vivek is happy, because Vicky’s ways never create any conflicts for him. Vivek can now finally focus on his goals. Now the only fact that concerns both of them is the fear of Todi being let loose again.

Love and hatred are two really strong motivations, The greatest events witnessed by history have been backed by one or the other…

Just another misconception about me…

Sometimes its really frustrating to see everyone believe in you so much. And its really an understatement to say that they believe me. They overestimate me. Its twelve hours to our first mid term paper. I’m here, writing this, while almost everyone else is at the least trying to study.

Don’t be silly! I haven’t completed my syllabus. Hell! I don’t even perfectly know everything that it includes. I’m just bored. Some thing’s ¬†really wrong, and I can’t figure out what. But there’s one thing I’ve figured. People seriously think that I’m some kind of a freak who can cover up most of my studies in just one night!

A futile attempt…

I couldn’t keep a count of the number of attempts I made to write in the past 48 hours. But adamant me really wants to write down something.

Is there something called as a bad writing day? I don’t know and I didn’t want google to answer this for me. It’s already been answering too much for me lately. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t think of what to put here.¬†I just wish I can write back soon. I’ve been trying since long now. Maybe its because of too many things going on in my head at the moment. Problem of Plenty?

Umeedon me jeena ab jeena nahi,
Sapno me kho jaana ab dardnak lagta hai,
Phir bhi dekho kaisa pagal dil hai ye humara,
Aapke armaano me jalta hai sulaghta hai…

Gile Kagaz Ki Tarah Hai Zindagi Meri,
Koi Jalataa Bhi Nahi Koi Bahataa Bhi Nahi,
Is Kadar Akele Hai Raho Mein Dosti Ke,
Koi Satataa Bhi Nahi Koi Manataa Bhi Nahi…

A promise to her…

I promise u… After I finish writing this, I’ll try n smile… I’ll still try to make my life worthy of living and smiling… Though that tear shall always remain in the deepest corner of my eye… My smile shall never fade… If you ask me to forget you… I’ll ask you why should I… You are the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me, nothing can take that place… Memories of our good times and of our bad ones too… I’ll cherish them forever… The moments we laughed, The moments we shed tears, The ones when we fought and swore never to see each other’s face ever again… And after that? The moments we spent in our arms… How can I let go of them? No I cannot… I promise you that I’ll walk with the same stride I always have… With the same fire inside me to conquer the world…

I don’t want to stop writing this to you… I really don’t want to, cuz after I finish writing this… I’ll have to stop these tears and smile honestly… They feel so good after a long time… I really find it hard to smile, But I will… I promise you… I will always love u and somewhere deep within me I’ll be the same person you really loved…

Woes of a homesick extrovert…

>

Back then when I was at home… I always questioned why my buddies changed so much after staying away from home for a long time… Now I realize what it feels like to stay away from… One can call it the aftereffects of Homesickness, But I prefer it calling realization of values…

And this realization is important…

Realizing How much you actually loved your mom’s handmade food… Or simply those long talks you had with your father while dinner…
Besides my parents, the other person I miss is my sweetheart kiddo Nicole… Some days back when mom told me she wasn’t well… I found myself dreaming about her in sleep and waking up to find dried tears and swollen eyes… There are countless such moments when I find myself thinking bothered n frustrated only cuz I didn’t have talk with mom or dad that day…

And It’s not just the emotional realization… I’m beginning to realize why is it so important to wait for a bus for 10 mins rather than taking a taxi… And why should I be bothered about food when the sky seems to turn dark… Why is it so important to wash your clothes almost daily, or atleast keep them orderly till the end of the week…

It also explains the reason why I’ve suddenly begun ‘Facebooking’ so much… Come on! I need someone to talk to right? You think someone like me can sit and study quietly?? >:)

Sailaab sa aa gira hai…

Aansuon ko tum bhi toh apne chupa rahe ho,
Jaante hain hum… dil hi dil me roye jaa rahe ho…
Sailaab sa aa gira hai rishtey me hamare,
Par baahar se dekho kaise muskura rahe ho…

Gungunana chahte ho us lamhe ko phir se,
Par khud hi lamhe ko bhula rahe ho…
Khud se hi nazrein chura kar,
Haal-e-dil khud hi ko suna rahe ho…
Sailaab sa aa gira hai rishtey me hamare,
Par dekho kaise ab bhi muskura rahe ho…

Jaante ho na jee paaoge hum bin,
Khud hi se kyun ye sach chipa rahe ho…
Mehfus nahi rahe sapne humhare,
Kaise ye duniya se jhutla rahe ho…
Sailaab sa aa gira hai rishtey me hamare,
Magar dekho kaise ab bhi muskura rahe ho…

Un lamhon ko sanjoye rakha hai aaj bhi,
Magar dil ke armaan daba rahe ho…
Har raaste se humare kareeb aana chahte ho,
Dekho kaise humse door jaa rahe ho…
Sailaab aa gira hai rishtey me hamare,
Par baahar se dekho kaise muskura rahe ho…

Kyun ye dooriyan bana rahe ho humse,
aur phir bhi humari fariyaad kiye jaa rahe ho…
Humsafar ho tum is safar me humare,
toh kyun is gum ko tanhai me peeye jaa rahe ho…

Is sailaab me sirf saath tumhara chahte hain hum,
Bus in haathon me tumhara haath chahte hain hum…
Kyun is sailaab me khud hi doobe jaa rahe ho,
Kyun apne hi haathon katl-e-aam ek nahi, Do do kiye jaa rahe ho…

The constant carelessness…

>

Am I meant to be like this? Or is it only the brief interval of disillusionment… I don’t understand… On the materialistic scale of marks, reports & certificates, I stand nowhere… Simply nowhere…

A man is judged by the worthiness of his opponents, they say… Mine have already overestimated me and stepped out of competition… Or is it my carelessness? My arrogance? Do I label my opponents as ‘unworthy’ only to console myself when I loose? Or Am I so used to the pampering and favoritism offered to me by my surroundings that I’ve developed this tendency to let go?

Even when the whole day is wasted… I do not let any night go without the rehearsal of my grande speeches, success conversations with my family, friends … Overconfidence? Whom am I to blame?

A new but disillusioning dawn…

 

There hasn’t been such clear mist before… Nor has there been such clarity in my confusion… Sometime back I craved for responsibilities, now I have more than I can take… Do I need a break? No. I’ve had enough breaks already. I guess its these breaks that make me think that I’m overwhelmed with responsibilities at the moment. And yes, there’s always the grief of being left alone without my partner who was always there with me to share my responsibilities…

A close friend said once, “Some people believe in themselves only when Others believe in them.” Somehow, he’s right… But I guess I’ll rephrase it for myself… “I believe in myself only when the people I believe in believe in me.”

A new dawn rises… I still still need someone to show me the light…
%d bloggers like this: